


Affidavit

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-04-01
Updated: 1999-04-01
Packaged: 2018-11-10 07:49:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11122914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: This story is a sequel toInsomnia.





	Affidavit

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

 

 

Affidavit

 

 

**Rated PG-13 for m/m interaction**

Disclaimer : Alliance owns Ray and Benton...darnit! 

Note : 'Affidavit' is a sequel to another earlier piece of mine, 'Insomnia'.   
I guess one would have to read that first before this makes any marginal   
sense. And it's a little more downbeat. Sometimes, matter takes on a   
different perspective the morning after... 

For Larissa. And Raa who liked it better the second time around :)   
    
  

##  Affidavit

by Valencia  
 

Ray closed his eyes and sighed moodily. He stretched his arms above his   
head, laced his hands together and popped his knuckles. An innocuous soft   
snapping noise that still, somehow, came out sounding extremely irritable. 

"He's doing it again." Elaine, walking by, whispered softly to Huey who   
nodded. 

"I know and it's scaring the shit outta Mason, I tell you. The guy's been   
unable to piss properly ever since he lost the lead in the Granville murder   
case yesterday." He jerked his head in the direction of a middle-aged man   
whose desk was located a few meters away from Ray's and who was at the   
moment, gawking with extreme agitated trepidation at the knuckle-cracking   
detective. 

"He keeps expecting Vecchio to jump down his throat again and tear his lungs   
out with his bare fist." Huey said. 

Elaine giggled furtively. "Knowing Ray, it wouldn't be that far-fetch. So   
that would make it knuckle-cracking number...?" 

"Ten. I counted at least ten times during the last two hours. Either he's   
suffering from a nerve disorder or his knuckles have taken a life of their   
own." 

The curly-haired woman looked impressed. "Wow, that many? He must really be   
mad about something." 

"Tell me about it." Huey rolled his eyes. "When's Vecchio *not* mad at   
anything?" 

Unaware that his fellow cops were gossiping merrily about him (which was   
just as well for them), a mere few feet away, Ray laced his hands behind his   
neck, stretched and turned his gaze up at the ceiling in angry frustration.   
Contrary to what Elaine and Huey were speculating, Ray wasn't angry but   
rather, confused. Very confused. And he didn't like being confused at all. 

He's going to be here any minute. Damn. I don't know if I want to see him.   
No, that's not right, I don't know if I'm *ready* to see him. Oh God, how   
did I get into this mess? Ray's thoughts churned like a nauseous stomach on   
a heaving ship sailing on stormy seas. 

As there was no answer forthcoming from the Supreme Being, Ray settled for   
something more mundane. He put his hands together and started cracking his   
knuckles again, only this time he was doing each joint individually.   
Starting with his left and then proceeding methodically to his right. 

Crack, pop, craaack... 

Detective Henry Mason of the Chicago PD looked as if he was going to have an   
apoplexy attack at any moment now. 

Taking pity on poor Mason, Elaine sauntered over to Ray's desk. She planted   
one palm on the flat surface and leaned forward to inspect Ray's hands   
closely. "Hmmm...yeah, just what I thought." she murmured lightly, causing   
the detective to narrow his eyes suspiciously at her. "Yep. You've done it   
at last. Congratulations, Vecchio." 

"What did *I* do now?" Ray growled at her. He wasn't in the mood for games. 

"Ray, I don't know if you've noticed but I think you just broke all ten of   
your knuckles. See the bones peeping out of your skin there and...there."   
She grinned. "Cool." 

"Haha." Ray shot back sardonically but he did however stop the senseless   
destruction his hands a bit self-consciously and clenched them on either   
side of his chair rests instead. 

"If you're trying to torture Mason for losing your lead, there are more   
humane ways to go about it, you know. But knuckles, Ray? Oh, that's *really*   
barbaric." Elaine waggled her head in mock reproach. 

"Mason? What has he got to do with anything?" 

Elaine shook her head and smiled pityingly. "Never mind, just forget it."   
She changed the subject instead. "Is Fraser coming round? I missed him the   
last couple of times he was here." The policewoman's eyes positively gleamed   
with a veritable carnal light as she spoke about the Mountie of her dreams. 

At the mention his friend's name, Ray's knuckles gripped the armrests even   
more tightly, the thin skin stretching over the bones until they looked as   
though they were going to split open to reveal white ivory beneath. 

But none of the strain showed in his voice as he answered brusquely. "He'll   
be here any minute, I think. So you can salivate over him as much as you   
want then. Don't drool on me is all I ask. I just had this suit cleaned."   
Ray was faintly amazed at how his normal his own voice sounded. Especially   
when the mention of Fraser bought back to him memories of the night before   
when his friend had abruptly and unexpectedly blurted out that he was in   
love with him. In love with Ray Vecchio. And although he hadn't rejected   
Fraser, he hadn't exactly said that he loved him back either. He just said   
that he thought he *could* fall in love with Fraser. 

Ray knew that he cared for Fraser, he waded knee-deep in garbage for the   
guy, for cryin' out loud! But love? That was a whole new ball game entirely.   
And Ray would never had expected Fraser in a million years to throw a curve   
at him. Benton Fraser loves Ray Vecchio. Maybe weirder things have happened   
but Ray was having trouble remembering some of them now. 

But it wasn't Fraser's declaration of love that was troubling him now. It   
was the thing that happened *after* that was bothering him. 

He was recalling last night with almost painful picture-sharp clarity.   
Fraser's kiss...the imprint of his lips against Ray's, his tongue stroking   
the inside of his mouth, tasting him, devouring him whole. Fraser's hands on   
his skin, the palms so warm, touching, feeling every inch of his body until   
he thought he would burst into a million fragmented pieces from sheer want.   
Fraser pleasuring him with his hands and then later, after he had one of the   
most extreme climaxes of his life, he did the same to his friend. Using just   
his fingers, he had lightly caressed his friend's hardness, unsure at first   
what to do, but gaining confidence when Fraser arched his body against his,   
clearly wanting more. And when he came, Fraser had whispered Ray's name,   
harshly, over and over again. 

Oh God, he had actually made love to Benton Fraser. The mere thought boggles   
the mind. Ray's mind to be exact. 

He had to clench his teeth together hard, to prevent a hysterical laugh from   
escaping him.  He was afraid that if he started laughing, he might never stop. 

"If you're finished insulting me now, I'll be going--" Elaine, looking   
miffed, was about to flounce away when she suddenly caught sight of   
something and she stared with increasing intensity at Ray's profile. "Ray?   
Is that a--" She clapped a hand across her mouth as her eyes grew wide. 

"What? Is that a what? Quit staring at me like that!" Ray said, flustered.   
"You're giving me the creeps." 

Ignoring him, Elaine leaned her head forward to examine what had caught her   
interest  more closely and Ray automatically leaned his own face back until   
he was about ready to topple over from his chair. He planted his two feet   
firmly on the floor to steady himself. What? Did he have the words, 'I had   
sex with a Canadian Mountie last night', tattooed on his forehead or   
something?! 

Abruptly, the policewoman shot out her hand, lightning quick and roughly   
snatched at his shirt collar to pull it back from his neck. "Elaine!" Ray   
squawked out in startled protest. "Stop that!" 

"It is! Ohmygawd, Ray! You've got a *hickey* on your neck!" Elaine crowed in   
delight, her eyes twinkling in broad amusement. 

Ray's face grew hot as he spluttered, "No, I don't. I...I cut myself   
shaving, that's all." He resisted the urge to reach up and clap one hand   
over the said hickey. 

"Then why are you blushing?" Elaine said in triumph. This was kinda sweet,   
she was thinking mercilessly, Ray Vecchio actually reddening like a   
schoolgirl that had been caught making out in the backseat of a car. Oh,   
this was *too* good a chance to pass up. 

"And it--," she pointed with one finger near the region of Ray's left side   
of his neck, "--doesn't look like a shaving cut to *me* at all. That is   
definitely a hickey!" She rummaged in her pocket to draw out a small powder   
compact and deftly flip opened the lid to reveal a mirror hidden inside. 

"Here, look for yourself." Elaine held the small mirror inches away from   
Ray's neck and he craned his eyes to see and sure enough, there was a large   
purplish blue bruise just visible above the collar with faint imprints,   
suggesting of teeth marks, around it. 

Oh hell, Ray groaned silently. How could he have missed *that*? He   
remembered now with a mental wince of Benny biting him, not once, but many   
times during their impromptu love-making last night. Bitten him with almost   
ferocious intent. Branding him. And what more, he had actually found the   
sensations of his friend's teeth nipping at his skin highly erotic. 

He could feel all the blood rushing to his face. I look like a goddamed   
tomato, he cursed in his mind, hoping frantically that his dark complexion   
would hide his flush. 

"Ray's got a hickey, Ray's got a hickey!" Elaine chanted in a annoyingly   
sing-song voice, making Ray wonder if he could get away with clobbering a   
fellow law enforcer with the stone paperweight sitting on his desk. The very   
*heavy* stone paperweight on his desk. He wouldn't kill her of course, just   
knock her hard enough to shut her up. 

"Elaine, stop it! People are staring!" Ray hissed, embarrassed. 

"Let them. Oh my, Ray, that's like the mother of all hickeys. What did you   
do? Made a date with a vampire yesterday night? Well, whoever she was, she   
sure marked you good." Elaine badgered relentlessly, a wicked smile curving   
her lips. "Who is she, Ray? Someone I know? Someone from the department?   
Come on, you can tell me." she wheedled. 

"Cool it, Elaine." Ray frowned acidly at her. "I am not gonna broadcast my   
personal life to the rest of the precinct. And especially not to *you*, Miss   
'I can't keep a secret to save my life'." 

"Ha, you do know that I'll find out sooner or later, don't you? So you might   
as well just tell me and save yourself a lot of embarrassment." 

"Just because you have no life doesn't mean you can get your cheap thrills   
by snooping into others." 

"I do so have a life!" 

"I hate to tell you this but playing bingo at church on Fridays doesn't   
constitute a life." Ray tossed back sarcastically. 

"Raaay Vecchio!! Ugh! I am going *to*..." Elaine's heated words broke off   
half-way in mid-screech when a new voice cut in hesitantly. 

"Am I interrupting anything?" Fraser asked, ostensibly addressing Elaine but   
his eyes were fixed hungrily upon one disconcerted Italian detective. 

"Fraser! Hi!" The libidinous gleam was back in Elaine's own eyes as she   
smiled beamingly at the red-uniformed Mountie who had walked in unaware by   
both cops. "No, you weren't interrupting anything. Ray was just showing me   
his hickey." 

Ray's head had immediately dropped down to his desk at the sound of Fraser's   
voice and to all eyes and purposes, he was now busily examining the   
varnished surface of his desk. 

"Ray?" Fraser said hesitantly. He had woken up today, alone in bed, to find   
his friend gone and he had been more than half-afraid, gone from his life as   
well. Maybe it had been a mistake, a horrible mistake to have told Ray how   
he felt about him. But try as he might, he couldn't make himself regret   
making love to Ray, it had felt so *right* and so very good... 

He had went to Consulate this morning as usual but all he could think of was   
Ray and the feel of that supple body in his arms, remembering how sweet it   
had been to hold him and love him. 

"Hello, Ray." Fraser said inadequately, never feeling so helpless as he did   
now. 

Ray muttered something unintelligible and kept his head down, still refusing   
to look at Fraser. 

The feel of bare skin caressing bare skin. Lips and tongues meeting,   
duelling, igniting a fiery-sweet passion. Soft cries and yells breaking the   
darkness that surrounded their love-making...Ray felt himself grow warm,   
then cold, then burning hot again when he remembered the touch of Fraser's   
hands on his naked skin. 

"Hey! Why don't you show him your hickey! Looks like somebody got some   
yesterday." Elaine teased again and Ray finally lifted his head to glare at   
her. His fingers inched towards the paperweight on his desk in an   
unconscious motion. Okay, that does it, fellow cop or no fellow cop, he was   
going to kill her right now, God help him. 

He sucked in a breath to steady himself, willing himself not to look but the   
impulse was too strong, and so he finally sneaked a glance up at Fraser who   
met his eyes with hopeful blue ones. He flushed a dull red when he saw the   
desire and longing burning from his friend's eyes, reflecting back at him.   
And he saw too that Fraser was recalling last night. 

Damn it, Benny, don't look at me like that, at least not in here! Ray   
thought helplessly. 

He could almost feel the physical burden of Fraser's love settling on his   
shoulders. Ray didn't know when his friend had fallen in love with him,   
didn't even know *why*. But that didn't matter, what mattered was that he   
was afraid. Afraid that Fraser might say that he loved Ray Vecchio today and   
even mean it for the moment but what about tomorrow and an eternity of   
tomorrows to come? Would he still say it? All his little insecurities loomed   
so large before him that he thought he was going to choke. 

Simply put, Ray was terrified. Of Fraser loving him. Of him loving Fraser. 

"Fraser? Ray? Excuse me, but are you guys all right?" They had completely   
forgotten about Elaine and who was now staring from one man to another, a   
speculative look on her face. "Is there something I should know?" 

Sure, why don't I just blurt it out, the man of your dreams is actually in   
love with me. How do I know that? Simple, he told me last night and after   
which, we proceeded to fuck each other, fast and furiously, Ray was thinking   
in a cynical rush. Oh, nothing too hard-core, just mutual jerking off. But   
it was one of the most intense experience I have ever had. It totally blew   
my mind away. If that's what a simple hand-job could do, what would it be   
like if we really fuck each other for real? 

At that thought, he couldn't help but shiver a little. And not from fear.   
No, it wasn't fear... 

By the way, did I also neglect to mention that Benny's the one who gave me   
this hickey too. Apparently, the guy likes to bite while he's doing it.   
Sure, I could tell Elaine all that, why the hell not? 

Ray's face twisted into a slight grimace then, imagining the policewoman's   
reaction if he really did blurt out all that he just thought. 

"Nothing", was what he actually said out loud, "Nothing's wrong." He had to   
take this somewhere private before he burst a whole lot more blood   
capillaries in his brain and had a goddamned stroke on the spot. He stood   
up, avoiding looking directly into Fraser's face and pushed him towards the   
direction of the one place in the precinct where they might have *some*   
privacy. 

"Sorry, got some stuff I need to go over with Benny. I'll let you drool over   
him later." Ray muttered hurriedly as he hustled Fraser past a curious   
Elaine. 

Even when the door slammed shut and the relative darkness of the closet   
enveloped them, Ray still found it hard to bring himself to look directly at   
his friend. And standing in such close proximity to Fraser wasn't helping   
any either. 

Okay, maybe the closet wasn't such a hot idea, Ray realised a bit belatedly. 

He was seriously in favour of turning chicken and just getting the hell out   
of there when hands firmly grabbed the sides of his face in an unbreakable   
hold to tip his head up. And he found himself being suddenly and   
unrelentingly, kissed. 

His first instinct was to push himself away but somehow, his hands were   
treacherous and instead of pulling away, he was pulling himself in closer,   
fitting his body against Fraser's, his fists clutching at Fraser's   
uniform-clad shoulders. 

All thoughts fled from Ray's overwrought mind as lips met and tongues   
tangled. All that he could think of, could feel, at that one moment, was the   
contrasting textures of Fraser's kiss. 

Fraser's tongue rasped against his lips, demanding entrance and Ray parted   
his mouth half-involuntarily to let him in. He drew Ray's own tongue back   
into his mouth to suck and nibble at it voraciously, scraping his teeth   
lightly over the sensitive surface. Ray made a small sound, consisting   
partly a sigh and more of a moan when Fraser abruptly broke the kiss to   
concentrate his attentions on Ray's right ear, driving the detective nuts   
with teasing little darts of his tongue. 

He's getting good at this, Ray thought dazedly as Fraser bit gently on the   
lobe, making him stifle back a cry. 

Fraser then lowered his head to nuzzle Ray's neck and he delicately brushed   
his lips over the hickey that he had been responsible for. 

"Sorry, Ray. I hadn't mean to be that rough..." Fraser breathed   
apologetically, knowing that he should halt and cease this...this *mauling*   
of his friend right now. But like last night, he couldn't. 

No, he had to stop. Had to because Ray didn't love him. Yet. 

With that sobering thought, he wrestled back control again. But it was hard   
and for a while, he thought he couldn't, not when he could feel every inch   
of Ray's body pressed against his own. 

"Ray, we can't do this." he managed hoarsely as he reluctantly pulled back. 

Ray nodded slowly, trying to catch his breath again. "Yeah, I know." 

Fraser cleared his throat, the raspy sound resoundingly loud in the small   
cramped space. "Ray...last night..." Last night was something I will never   
regret even if you do. 

Ray looked away. "Last night was a mistake." 

"Oh." was all Fraser could say, at a loss. 

"No, I didn't mean it like that." Ray tried to explain. "Last night, when   
we...when we...you know." he trailed off and turned red instead. "It   
was...good. Shit, it was better than good, it was fuckin' mind-blowing,   
okay?" he said almost angrily. 

"Oh." repeated Fraser, blushing a little like Ray, but his complexion was   
paler so his flush showed more prominently on his face. "Um...is that a good   
thing?" he ventured to ask. 

"No. Yes. No, I don't know! All I know is that we shouldn't have had sex, it   
complicates things. And that's the problem, Benny, don't you get it? I don't   
want to love you for the wrong reasons." 

"Would it matter if I said that I love you for the right reasons?" Fraser   
told Ray quietly. 

"And how would you know that? How would you know it's love, huh? Huh, Benny?   
How do you *know*?" Ray asked, suddenly furious and his rage made him cruel.   
"Maybe you're just lonely and dying for a screw and I just happened to be   
convenient. How do you know you're not confusing sex for love?" The words   
poured out of Ray like a waterfall, destructive, brutal and implacable. "Sex   
ain't love, Benny." he bit out, "You don't love me, you just think you do." 

"No!" Fraser said forcefully. "I do love you. Because...well...because I   
just *do*. Because you're Ray." Because every time I see you, I get this odd   
feeling of completeness. Because my heart jumps a beat every time you   
touched me. Because I can't imagine not being around you, seeing you,   
anymore. You have become that important to me. But Fraser just gazed   
helplessly at Ray, unable to articulate all that he felt into actual   
vocalised words. "Ray, I know what I feel and I love you." was all he could   
utter, pouring his heart behind each simple syllable. 

A part of Ray was hating himself for being responsible for the pain that   
radiated from Fraser's agonised features. But another part, the part that   
was scared of caring, scared of the implications of really loving another   
person, overwhelmed him and so, he just gave a casual shrug. A simple reflex   
action that somehow riveted Fraser's attention by it's sensual gracefulness.   
"So you say." Ray told Fraser, his voice hard. "Prove it." 

Fraser blinked, tearing his eyes away from Ray's thin shoulders, suppressing   
a sudden urge to grab Ray and maul him once more, "Prove my love?" he asked,   
not sure that he heard correctly. 

"Sure, why the hell not?' Ray crossed his arms against his chest. "Alright,   
you want me to believe that you love me, yeah? Fine. Prove it. Go jump off a   
mountain or something. Go swim the widest, deepest river in the Yukon. Go   
shout it from the rooftops. Do *something* that will make me believe you."   
Okay, this was getting bizarre, getting his best friend to prove his love   
for him, Ray conceded but he needed affirmation, hard evidence that Fraser   
did really love him and wasn't just imprinting a feeling of loneliness or   
home-sickness onto their friendship, turning it into something that was not   
there. 

"Ray, I can't prove something that I feel in my heart." Fraser replied   
frustratedly. How could he make Ray *understand*? "You want me to show that   
I care for you but how?" 

"I don't know, you tell me." 

"Ray, you're not being reasonable here." 

"Yeah, well, who ever said love was reasonable?" Ray retorted belligerently.   
"You want me, you gotta earn me." 

"Earn you? Oh, Ray..." Fraser didn't know whether to laugh or kiss Ray till   
they both expired from asxiphyation. He opened his mouth to speak but before   
he could say anything, there was a loud knock on the door that interrupted   
him and startled the both of them. 

"What! I'm a little busy here!" Ray shouted in irritation. 

A crack opened, letting a flood of white light in, illuminating the dark   
closet. Elaine poked her head around cautiously. Her eyes widened a little   
when she noticed how close the two men seemed to be standing together, not   
to mention that the tension in the small, narrow room was thick enough to   
slice with a knife. But she wisely said nothing about it. "Lieutenant Welsh   
said that if you're done with Fraser here, there's a situation downtown that   
requires your attention. Kid with a gun in a drugstore and he's holding a   
couple of people, customers, hostage. Welsh wants you there pronto." 

Actually, what the good Lieutenant had really yelled was, 'Where the hell is   
Vecchio? Tell him to get his ass down NOW before I kick it for him!' but   
Elaine saw no harm in doing a little creative editing. 

"Tell him I'm there." Ray was already out the door when he stopped and   
turned back to Fraser impatiently. "Are you coming or are you going to stand   
there all day like a stuffed animal?" And walked away without another   
backward glance. 

Fraser emitted a small exhalation of breath before following Ray. 

Earn Ray's love? Very well, if that's what he had to do to make Ray believe,   
he'll do it. An expression of resolute determination settled over Fraser's   
features as he hurried behind the man he loved. 

After all, Ray was certainly more than worth it.   
  

****************************************************************   
  

The gunman, just a kid really, sixteen or seventeen tops, his eyes   
feverish-bright with the unmistakable glitter of a junkie, burst through the   
door of the convenience store. He was holding a screaming woman by her neck,   
pressing his gun against her forehead and spittle flecked his lips as he   
shouted that he was going to kill her if they don't let him go. 

Ray stepped forward, after motioning for the rest to hold their fire, his   
voice calm and reasonable but the boy was on edge, practically teetering on   
the brink of an abyss and none of Ray's words got through him. 

"You don't want to do that." Ray warned. "Don't be stupid, kid." 

The boy's eyes darted madly from side to side, looking desperately for a way   
to escape but all he could see were cops surrounding him, the flashing   
lights and unrelenting wails of police sirens. And the merciless glint of   
steel aimed at him. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up! You come near me and I swear   
to God I'll shoot her! I'll blow her fuckin' brains away!" he screamed and   
cocked his gun, causing his hostage to cry even harder. "I want a car and a   
driver now! Now!" 

"You ain't getting shit." Ray told him, his tone remorseless. "Come on, let   
the lady walk. She's done nothing to you. And there's nowhere to go and you   
know it." 

The boy stared at him then, the look in his eyes becoming hopeless and   
miserable and the hand that held the gun to the woman's forehead wavered and   
started to drop. And Ray remembered to breathe. "That's it, no one needs to   
be hurt. Just let her go and everything will be okay." the detective said   
encouragingly. 

But then something happened. Something changed. Ray could see it in the   
boy's eyes. The look of hopelessness changed into something else in that   
instant. And Ray knew he had made a mistake. A big one. 

"Liar! You're lying to me! Nothing's fucking okay! I'm gonna get life, I   
know it!" The boy screamed violently and shoved his hostage away from him as   
he aimed the gun at Ray instead now. The woman fell, her own hysterical   
screams mingling with that of the boy's. "I'm not going to jail! Fuck you   
and them all!" he spat out venomously, the glare of drugged madness   
intensifying in his eyes. The junkie cocked the gun at him and Ray didn't   
have time to duck or even speak when he found his line of sight suddenly   
blocked by red. 

Red as in the red serge of a Royal Canadian Mounted Police's uniform. 

"Benny?! Get the hell away from here!" Ray yelled, trying frantically to   
shove the Mountie away from in front of him. "Are you insane?" 

"No, Ray, I'm not insane. Unless you call saving your life an act of   
insanity. Do you?" 

"Do I what?!" 

"Call saving your life an insanity. I've been meaning to ask you this but   
you don't happened to harbour a death-wish by chance, do you? Ray?" Fraser   
had a worried look etched on his face, his head twisting over his shoulder   
as he asked. "Because I have noticed your tendencies to rush into highly   
dangerous situations at times. I would hesitate to call it foolhardy but   
really, Ray, I can find no other word for your actions sometimes." 

"Fraser!" Ray couldn't believe they were having this conversation in the   
middle of a shoot-out. "Move, damn you!" But push as he might, Fraser   
wouldn't budge an inch. 

The gunman was confused for the moment when the Mountie had stepped out   
unannounced and that brief instant of distraction was what saved both men's   
lives. He didn't shoot although he was very close to it, another   
second...and suddenly a single gunshot did flare out, piercing the already   
noisy air with it's sharp retort. 

Ray, for a split second, felt his heart stopped beating. He thought the boy   
had opened fire at Fraser and his mind was screaming denial now. No! No! NO! 

But the figure before him remained standing, shielding him and Ray finally   
noticed that it wasn't Fraser that was hit. He peered round and saw that the   
gunman lying face-down on the concrete floor, the top half of his head gone,   
leaving just a bloodied mess of hair and flesh. Another cop had seized the   
moment of confusion to shoot and his aim had been clear and true. Most of   
the junkie's brain was now scattered over the ground and over the screaming   
hostage. 

Ray swallowed hard, imagining that the body lying there could have so easily   
been Fraser's. 

For the rest of the day, he had remained tight-lipped, not trusting himself   
to speak. They went back to the precinct where Ray filled out a report on   
the shooting, and Fraser waited patiently, not speaking either. Even the   
clacking of the typewriter keys as Ray hit them forcefully sounded enraged.   
It went on like that, the silence hovering around the two of them like a   
live thing until they reached Fraser's apartment, late in the evening. 

"You're angry with me, aren't you?" Fraser asked at last. 

Ray violently kicked open the door to Fraser's apartment with one foot. "Me   
angry? Whatever gave you that idea? I'm not angry." Walking ahead of Fraser,   
he strode, with quick fuming steps, to the end of the room to stare out at   
the window. "I am not angry." he said through clenched teeth. "I am *pissed*." 

He whipped round to face Fraser who was closing the door quietly behind him.   
"You could have been killed! The kid was so pumped with coke that he   
wouldn't have recognised his own mother if she was there!" he shouted with   
rage, with fear. With relief. Relief that Fraser *wasn't* dead. "What were   
you thinking of, jumping in front of me like that!" But the relief only   
served to heighten the wrath Ray was feeling rather than detract from it. 

"He would have shot you, Ray if I didn't." 

Ray stood still for one endless second before his fist abruptly came up and   
smacked the wall beside him. Pain flared, sharp and excruciating. But it   
felt good, so good that Ray did it again, only harder this time. His   
knuckles came away, bruised and reddened but the pain helped distract him.   
Helped distract him from how much he wanted to grab Fraser's head instead   
and bang *that* against the wall. 

"Ray. Don't." Fraser came up before him and slid one arm behind his back,   
drawing him into a close embrace. He brought up the bruised fist with his   
hand and gently ran his lips over each battered knuckle. "Never hurt   
yourself because of me." he said softly, gazing into Ray's face. 

Ray gave a small shudder and Fraser could feel a tremor running through his   
friend's slender frame. But he was still mad, and thus he pushed Fraser   
away, not hard but firmly enough to indicate his displeasure. Fraser let his   
arms dropped back to his side but otherwise remained where he was. 

"Just what the hell were you trying to prove--" Ray's heated words ended   
abruptly and his mouth closed shut with an audible snap. He shook his head.   
"Please don't tell me that you were trying to..." he trailed off   
disbelievingly. 

"Well," Fraser cocked his head slightly to one side, "You did say you wanted   
proof. So I gave it to you." he replied seriously. 

"I *said* don't tell me!" Ray threw up his hands. "Jesus! I never meant for   
you to prove it by getting a bullet in your gut!" 

"Ray. I would never let you be hurt. And it did seem like a perfect   
opportunity--" 

"Benny, you could have *died*!" Ray yelled heatedly, cutting him off. "Get   
it through that stupid hat of yours and into your head, you crazy Mountie!   
You could have *died*! Your body could be lying in the morgue right now and   
I would have lost you!" 

"And I would have lost *you*, Ray, if that unfortunate boy had killed you.   
And I would have him shoot me first if that had happened rather than face a   
lifetime without you. Do you understand, Ray? I would rather die than be   
without you." Fraser said simply but his blue eyes were intense as he willed   
Ray to believe his words. 

"Benny." Ray whispered now, the enormity of what had happened that afternoon   
really sinking into his conscious mind now. "Oh God, Benny." The fury left   
him then, leaving only tired weariness behind. He would have slid to the   
ground to puddle in a boneless heap if Fraser hadn't caught him quickly and   
held him close once more. 

"Do you believe me now? Ray?" Fraser asked, his words blowing a soft,   
intimate breeze against Ray's ear. His hands rubbed the small of Ray's back   
in soothing circular motions as he melded their bodies together, fitting   
them tightly. He was getting aroused from just breathing in the intimate   
scent of Ray's sweat and cologne but he controlled himself. No, not yet. Ray   
hasn't said... 

Ray buried his face against Fraser's shoulder. "Damn you, Benny. If you   
died, I would never have been able to tell you...tell you..." Ray's voice   
stumbled and hesitated. 

"Tell me what, Ray?" 

Ray lifted his head up and stared into Fraser's eyes. "That I love you." he   
said, sounding irrationally angry as he admitted the truth at last. 

Fraser's hands stopped rubbing and he felt his heart squeezed inside his   
ribs when he heard Ray say what he most wanted to hear. And the sensation   
was wonderful. Ray loves me, his heart sang over and over until all he could   
hear in his head was the sweet repetition of those three words. 

He was about to express his exultation, he had this powerful and entirely   
silly desire to shout to the entire world, 'He loves me! I did it!', when   
Ray abruptly pushed him away for the second time to walk over to the window   
once more, his back turned away so that Fraser could only glimpse a profile   
half-shadowed by darkness and illuminated only by the weak, cold light of   
the stars. 

"Ray, what's wrong?" Fraser asked, concerned, dread gathering in his chest.   
Maybe Ray was already regretting his outburst. Maybe Ray really didn't love   
him but had just been carried away by the moment. 

"Ray?" he inquired softly, fear of imminent rejection constricting his   
throat. "What is it?" 

Staring unseeing through the window, Ray didn't reply at first. He was   
recalling that one single, perfect, utterly horrible moment when he thought   
the boy had shot Fraser. 

He couldn't remember being so frightened by anything in his life. 

Never to see Fraser again. Never to hear Fraser rattled off another one of   
those highly annoying Inuit stories that always made him so irritated for   
some inexplicable reason. Never to go rummaging in other people's garbage   
with him. Never to see him smile and say 'Good morning, Ray', 'Good night,   
Ray', 'I love you, Ray'. Never to...oh, hell, he really *did* love Fraser.   
Even if it took a burned out junkie, pumped higher than a kite, to show him   
that. 

Ray Vecchio loves Benton Fraser. Not exactly a romance written in the stars   
but that was what Ray felt. He really did love Fraser. 

Shit. 

"Ray?" He heard his friend's voice call him, caught the subtle fear that was   
compressed into the mere mention of his name. He had to tell Fraser the   
truth, the truth why he was so afraid of accepting his love. He owed Fraser   
that much. He loved Fraser that much to owe him that. 

"I do care for you, Benny." Ray said in a low tone at last without turning   
his head from the window. "I love you so much that it's scaring me. I know   
it shouldn't but it does. I'm afraid that tomorrow, you'll come to me and   
tell me that it's all a big mistake. That you were drunk or suffering from   
momentary insanity or something when you said you wanted me. That you want   
us to be friends again." 

"I'm afraid of loving you more than you love me, do you understand?" Ray   
ended, his voice dropping into a whisper and Fraser had to crane his ears to   
hear. "I'm afraid that one day you won't love me anymore." Why did his fears   
sounded so stupid, so childish when he said it out loud? But childish though   
his fears may be, they still had the power to tear him apart, destroying his   
peace of mind and his ability to reciprocate Fraser's love. Little fears   
that had become so large and terrifying. What if Fraser didn't love him   
anymore someday? 

Ray stood there, feeling so tired and unable to move a single muscle. He   
felt Fraser coming up behind him noiselessly and one pair of arms slid   
across his chest to hold him close, his friend's warmth seeping into his own   
body. Fraser's mouth nuzzling his ear gently as he spoke. 

"Ray, I can't force you to believe me but I will always love you. More than   
you know." 

Ray had to smile but there was little amusement in it. "This isn't a Whitney   
Houston song, Benny. There's no such thing as always."  He didn't why he was   
saying all this but it had to be said. Doubts were clawing at his mind   
relentlessly, unwilling to let go. 

"No, maybe not but there's now. I love you now. And no matter what happens,   
I know I *will* love you forever. If you'll let me." Here, Fraser bent his   
head and pressed his lips against the side of Ray's throat. Feeling the   
pulse beating erratically beneath the skin. "Will you?" he murmured and   
waited for Ray's answer. 

Ray squeezed his eyes shut, so tightly that he could see ghostly white   
lights flickering behind the lids. After a few minutes, he snapped them open   
again and he twisted round within the circle of Fraser's arm so that they   
were facing each other. 

There was a look of determination on Ray's face and without warning, he   
looped his arms around Fraser's neck and drew him across for a hard,   
bruising kiss. There was nothing romantic or tender about that kiss. Ray   
mashed his lips against Fraser's desperately as if proving to himself that   
the other man was actually there. Standing there before him, breathing and   
*alive*. 

What the hell, stranger things have happened. 

When they finally condescended to break apart for air, Fraser looking   
somewhat dazed, his lips swollen but his face was beaming and he smiled   
hopefully, jubilantly at his friend. 

And after a few seconds that lasted an eternity, Ray grinned back, a little   
tentatively but no less heartfelt. Perhaps there really wasn't forever but   
like Fraser said, they had now. 

And maybe, just maybe, it would prove enough. 

The End 

'We must live in joy   
 We must live in love   
 They are moreover one and the same thing'   
    
                      \----Moses of Kobrin   
  

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